Behind Closed Doors

"You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon.

Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits." (Song of Solomon 4:15, 16 NIV)

What's more difficult, to learn something new or to unlearn something we have previously learned? 

In counseling couples I am alarmed at the frequency of contact with husbands and wives, both frustrated with each other and struggling with the tension between desire and taught behavior. 

Couples that were innocently taught a "Don't touch, Don't talk about it, and, Anything other than kissing and intercourse in marriage is bad" view of married lovemaking.

While, there have been and are perversions in the world, most conflict in the Christian bedroom stem from a lack of mutual communication, preference and service. 

The example of married love in the passage where these verses come from, are laden with vivid word images depicting body parts and functions desirable in lovemaking. 

God's design was for the sexual-marital experience to be physically pleasurable, emotionally connecting and mutually satisfying, providing it is only between the husband and wife. 

The pastor that offered Robin and I our premarital counseling and officiated our wedding, did us a huge favor, when he offered this advice.

He said, "The old country song, 'No One Knows What Goes On Behind Closed Doors' is a good rule of thumb for a husband and wife. Keep whatever you do between the two of you and do it behind a closed (and I'll add LOCKED) door." 

The whole crux of this post is, simply, this. Enjoy each other, express your desires, be open minded to your spouse's desires, serve each other voluntarily and never force anything on each other. Pray beforehand, asking God's Holy Spirit to bless you as a couple as you seek to bless your spouse.

Compare what you have been taught to the standard of scripture. Song of Solomon is in the Bible for a reason. And, often, when you take scriptures view on scripture you get powerful Truth.

What does 2 Timothy 3:16-17 say about Song of Solomon?

"All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. 17 God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work."

Are you doing "good work" behind closed doors?

MONDAY MARRIAGE MINDER - EnCOURAGEment Part - Two

EnCOURAGEment

Part - Two

"There is not a single thing that I like about him." Wow! That's harsh. I've lost count of how many times I have heard that sentiment or one similar to it from wives as I've sat in counseling sessions with couples.

Not only it is a harsh statement; however,  it is a statement that I have never found to be completely true - it's seldom true, actually. As the counseling process with these couples would continue, inevitably, the wives would, miraculously, remember something about their husband that they not only liked but admired.

Imagine that! One of the goals of my counseling methodology is to challenge the irrational thinking of the counselee and lead him or her to begin focusing on the positive aspects of their spouse and situation. 

The thought of doing so, reminds me of an old song that I remember from one of those "School House Rock" TV cartoons I viewed as a child.

The song says...

"You have to accentuate the positive,

eliminate the negative,

and latch on to the affirmative,

don't mess with Mr. In-Between" 

- Sam Cooke

  

You can check out the song here...

  

There is a lot of truth in the lyric of that old song. But it's not an original thought. In fact, it is an echo from Scripture. Check this out...

  

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

- Philippians 4:8 NLT

Wives, think about anything from this verse of scripture that applies to your husband and DWELL on it. I would suggest you even go so far as to write it down and, even verbalize it to your husband in the form of appreciation.

One of the questions I ask a wife, who suddenly remembers something she likes and admires about her husband, is this...

"When was the last time you told your husband that you appreciate that about him?" Then I watch as the pieces click together in the wife's busy mind.

Ladies! Find the positive in your man. It is there because God has put it there. When you find it, celebrate it verbally and often and then what what God will do in your marriage through your husband.

For some this exercise will be easy because you are accustomed to doing so or there are so many positive aspects within your husband. Others will find this exercise to be more difficult but it will be so rewarding as it strengthens your marriage. It will take courage but it will be an encouragement to your husband.

  

For Marriages & Families,

Dave & Robin

Guarda Matrimonial para lunes

Corazones Unificados. Ministerio de Matrimonio y Familias.

Guarda Matrimonial para lunes 28 de octubre de 2013.

La creación de una obra maestra

Porque nosotros somos la obra maestra de Dios. Él nos ha creado de nuevo en Cristo Jesús, para que podamos hacer las cosas buenas que preparó para nosotros tiempo atrás.

Efesios 2:10 NTV

Hacía frío . El viento penetraba a través de las capas de ropa que me había puesto en preparación para la tarea a realizar. Los pedazos de estuco, barro y concreto me picaban en la cara, mientras cedían lentamente al cincel. 

Dando los últimos retoques de lo que se ha convertido en un proyecto de construcción de maratón, que ya se ha extendido hasta la temporada de otoño . Con él viene el frío, el viento, lo desagradable .

Sin embargo, mientras rompía poco a poco pedazos de estuco seco, mezcla de mortero y concreto para abrir paso a la bella capa de piedra en aquella pared del patio, pensé acerca de cómo nuestro matrimonio ha atravesado por temporadas de cinceladas. 

El aislamiento emocional y relacional, el egoísmo, la pérdida devastadora y los tiempos de incertidumbre, han sido usados por Dios para moldearnos en quien somos hoy en día como marido y mujer. Y podemos soportar la preparación de un Padre amoroso, porque sabemos, de acuerdo a Filipenses 4:13, que,

"Todo lo puedo en Cristo, que me fortalece."

Sabemos por fe que Dios nos ha estado preparando para la siguiente parte de nuestras vidas y ministerio - la siguiente capa de la pared, por así decirlo.

Así que, no deje de reconocer la mano de Dios en su matrimonio hoy. El cincelado que usted puede estar experimentando hoy en día, aunque incómodo, desagradable y difícil, le está preparando para un gran futuro - el futuro de Dios para usted a medida que permanece fiel a su matrimonio, y lo que es más importante, fiel a él. Permítale a Dios crear una obra maestra con su matrimonio.

Por Los Matrimonios y Familias,

Dave & Robin

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Authority and Responsibility

I write a great deal about marriage and I will continue to do that. However, today,
 I want focus on a more broader scope in hopes of generating some discussion.

One of the most important lessons that we learn in life as well as one of the hardest lessons to learn while entering adulthood is that there is no separating authority and responsibility.

We are guiding our two youngest, with lots of prayer and trembling while watching our two oldest test the waters of the abyss known as adulthood. Thankfully and most blessedly, through us and even in spite of us, our children know the truth of God's love and have a relationship with Jesus. That will guide them well as they remain faithful to Christ.

Drawing the distinction between and recognizing the intimate connection of authority and responsibility is a task that takes a while to grasp.

For a teen or young adult, it can be as simple as wanting the authority to stay out later at night but not wanting the responsibility to lock the door and turn off the lights after arriving home. 

Or. Even more complex, the same want the authority to make their own decisions but shun the responsibility of the outcome, the financing and the affect of those decisions, both for themselves and others.

Is this struggle natural? Of course it is. We, as adults have been there ourselves, with our children and, sometimes, with other adults who haven't navigated this right of passage with great success. 

Saying that the difficulty in grasping this important relationship is natural and normal, does not negate the sense of urgency we, as parents, must possess in teaching and modeling this.

All too often, we see a disconnect in this area in our society: in the home; we want the authority of a husband/wife without the responsibility of a husband/wife, in the workplace; we want the authority of the boss without the responsibility of the boss, in the school; just go to some PTO meetings, there are moms and dads who want the authority of the leadership but not the responsibility of the leadership, in the church; we want the authority of the pastor but not the responsibility of the pastor.

What have we modeled for this young generation? If our children are to learn the irrefutable connection between authority and responsibility, then, I, as their parent, need to do better.

6 "In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. 7 If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly."

Romans 12:6-8 NLT

The gift given by the Holy Spirit grants us the privilege of authority. Exercising and using the gift wisely and generously is the responsibility. The two cannot be separated.

I would love to see a discussion on this. Join the conversation!

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What If?

In my devotions this morning, I read a very familiar passage in Matthew, chapter 14 in which Jesus walks on the water, Peter gets out of the boat and the winds and waves miraculously become calm again. Like I said, familiar, right?

But the second verse in the passage, verse 23, says that Jesus went up into the hills alone to pray and stayed their till after dark.

It wasn't unusual for Jesus to do this, but we notice that this was often the case right before some of the greatest miracles recorded in the Gospels. Jesus prayed!

What if we as couples prayed together before starting our day, before making decisions, before going to bed at night and before we go to sleep (there is a difference and who wouldn't welcome the miraculous then as well)?

What would your passionate prayers to God usher into your marriage?

Dave

Mini Marriage Minder - Sometimes Growth is Beyond You!

I look up to the mountains—

does my help come from there?

My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth!

Psalm 121:1-2 NLT

There are times in every marriage when change is needed. Not a change that includes leaving your spouse, quitting on your marriage and breaking covenant. But a change within you, within your spouse and, perhaps, within you both.

Healthy things grow. Growth is a natural thing. So, a healthy marriage should be growing on a daily basis, much like the branches on a vine. It's interesting to watch a vine grow over time. It will find its way around pipes, downspouts and obstacles, growing through cracks in solid concrete and growing to cover entire buildings. But, what about when the branches of a vine come to an obstruction that it cannot grow passed. What then? Often the vine stagnates as it has nowhere to go. A vine is bound to it's physical surroundings. It cannot grow beyond what it can attach to. 

Marriages are a lot like vines. We grow together and can continue growing based on our love for each other and through the support of each other. But, what about when we reach an impasse ? When we feel as if there isn't the love and support we need in order to continue growing. Again, what then?

You and I as individuals and in our marriages, unlike natural vines, can implore the supernatural. We can seek divine help from God daily. God isn't limited by physical restraints. He can bring growth when we allow him to change our hearts and minds, causing us to be able to walk through the barriers in our marriages as he breaks them down.

1. What barriers are hindering the growth of your marriage?
2. How have you implored or invited the supernatural power and presence of God into it?
3. What barriers have you faced in the past, that God has broken through for your marriage?

Don't stagnate. Believe and pray for the possible, which is anything with God!

Grow On!

Dave

The Carving Knife - MMM

The Carving Knife

Recently, we posed a question on our Facebook page asking what you would like to see addressed in the Monday Marriage Minder (MMM). 

We received a response that initially intrigued me, then, I must admit, intimidated me (Dave) a bit. After thinking and praying about the suggested topic, I started to get excited about the idea of writing this week's MMM.

The suggested topic has to do with a common problem for many couples who have busy schedules, whose daily routines with work, school, commutes and their children's activities leave them with just minutes a day together. How does a couple carve out time together within their busy lives?

Rather than delve into the complexities of time management, let me just start by stating what is probably obvious to most of you, but it bears revisiting.

In marriage and family life, each of us must learn to separate the urgent from the important. "But, which is which," you ask? Well, that depends on your mindset and your priorities.

Marriage and parenting are often seen as the antagonistic pull that leaves one wanting and the other fattened. The Bible has a lot to say about marriage and it also has a much to say about parenting. However, we don't see the connection commanded or inferred in parenting that we do in marriage. It would seem, from a biblical standpoint, that the marital relationship is the urgent quite often.

I remember my Mother apologizing to me years after my parents separated. She was apologizing because, when I was a child, she would often leave my Father, neglecting his needs, to tend to mine. She felt that her actions played a huge part in the failure of their marriage and, subsequently, my relational formation.

Now, before you go and tell someone that I said to leave a sick baby crying in his or her crib, realize what I am saying.

  

I'm saying that sometimes it's OK to put off cuddle time with your child for a few minutes to be with your spouse. It's OK to lock the bedroom door to keep older children or even hungry and cooking-challenged teens at bay for a few minutes to connect with your spouse. Even if it's simply a conversation, that is time well spent.

TAG TEAM - TAG OUT

But, what about when you and your spouse only seem to pass in the hall or at the house door for a few minutes each day? Make the most of those minutes. Plan those minutes to a tee. Be ridiculously selfish with those minutes as a couple.

The kids were there for the spouse who is tagging out all day and the kids will be there for the spouse tagging in all night. Run to the bedroom a couple of times a week. Connect, touch, laugh and most importantly and most intimately, pray together. 

Make the most of your days off. Walk hand in hand whenever possible. Sit in church with your hands entwined. Soak in The Word together. Discuss what you heard and how you can apply it on the way home.

  

Write notes to each other. Ask a question in the note, wait with anticipation for your spouse's answer and share the answers in those few moments alone each day. All of these things will enhance the connection you have with your spouse.

  

The Bible says...

For everything there is a season, 

a time for every activity under heaven.. 

5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. 

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

Eccl 3:1, 5

 

Notice that verse one says that there IS a time for EVERY activity under heaven. You and your spouse just need to make the most of it. Use a time carving knife together and cut away the unnecessary, cut out some of the important for a time which will leave you with some quality time everyday. You'll be amazed at the time you can have together as a couple when you plan for it.

For Marriages & Families,

Dave & Robin

Teeter-Totter

Saturday Night, Robin and I returned from hosting and speaking at a "Love Invasion" Couple's Retreat. We had a great time with eight couples.

Just one of the activities that take the teaching portion of the retreat to a whole other level is an experience on a platform built on a pivot point.

Couples are challenged to communicate verbally and, especially, non verbally to maintain the balance of the platform. It can be a challenge.

Every move causes the platform to react. If one spouse moves, it effects the other spouse and the platform.

That platform is just like a marriage. The actions of one spouse will effect the other and the marriage. The keys are communication and not making sudden and unexpected moves that will upset the balance and health of the marriage.

"1Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus..." Philippians 2:1-5

When a couple think about each other's needs before their own, communicate and plan their actions together and keep a slow, steady and consistent pace, then their marriage will thrive.

Beyond what a couple can do for marital stability. God's Holy Spirit can bring total stability when the husband and wife's hearts are yielded to Christ.

Being yielded to Christ and love and concern for each other will keep a marriage straight, level and thriving!