The feelings I get when I see the high mountain ranges
- stirrings of desire, longings for the heights -
Remind me of you,
and I'm spoiled for anyone else!
6 Your beauty, within and without, is absolute,
dear lover, close companion.
7 You are tall and supple, like the palm tree,
and your full breasts are like sweet clusters of dates.
8 I say, "I'm going to climb that palm tree!
I'm going to caress its fruit!"
Oh yes! Your breasts
will be clusters of sweet fruit to me,
Your breath clean and cool like fresh mint,
9 your tongue and lips like the best wine.
Song of Songs 7:5-9
(THE MESSAGE)
Enough is enough. The silence is deafening. What has not been talked about in most churches, among a great deal of families and in many marriages, has crippled the union of husband and wife for far too long.
After years of counseling husbands and wives, it seems to me that there is a universal disconnect between so many married couples. That disconnect is most often in the area of physical intimacy. Sex.
Often, the excuse of, "He's just not interested" is heard. Wife after wife, echoing the same sentiment. However, the husbands disagree. For the most part, the husband is indeed interested; however, not in the way most wives would think.
There has been a long-time used piece of miss-information circulating about in a sinister way that says that men are only into sex for what they get out of it - their pleasure, their response and their climax. This is not entirely true, in fact, very little of it is true.
When a husband loves his wife, honoring the marriage covenant, he feels a sense of responsibility to not only love his wife through words, kind gestures and the like, but he feels a welcomed responsibility to love her in the bedroom, or wherever their lovemaking finds them.
Binding Hearts conducted an online survey for husbands this past week. In it, we asked 4 questions after which husbands could choose multiple answers. The results may be surprising to many wives and affirming to many husbands.
We asked...
During sex with your wife, where is your mind focused?
63.2% said - On my wife's responses (verbal, movement, breathing).
and
57.9% answered more specifically - On what brings her pleasure (stimulation type, movement, speed, depth).
Perhaps surprising to some, only 36.8% answered - On the sensation/pleasure I'm experiencing while listening for cues from my wife.
and
10.5% answered - On the sensation/pleasure I'm experiencing.
We asked...
During foreplay, what excites you the most?
57.9% answered - Her response to what I am doing?
and
52.6% answered more specifically - Seeing/hearing her enjoy the pleasure I am giving her.
Whereas only 31.6% answered - The way she is stimulating me.
We asked...
If you had to make a choice between bringing your wife to orgasm(s) or orgasm (ejaculation) yourself, which would you choose and why?
68.4% answered - Bringing my wife to orgasm(s) because I love to give her pleasure.
Whereas only 21.1% answered -
(TIE) Bringing my wife to orgasm(s) because that would be the less selfish thing to do.
(TIE) Bringing my wife to orgasm(s), although I would lose interest if I couldn't experience an orgasm myself.
(TIE) Bringing my wife to orgasm(s) because that really gets me off.
and
Only 10.5% answered - My own orgasm, because I need the release.
We asked...
When I experience an orgasm (ejaculation) before my wife reaches orgasm or subsequent orgasms...
61.1% answered - I feel bad and stimulate her in other ways until she is satisfied.
38.9% answered - I ask her if she wants to experience an orgasm and stimulate her if she desires.
Whereas only 16.7% answered - I feel bad but I realize that's the way it happens sometimes.
and
only 5.6% answered - I don't worry about it, I kiss my wife goodnight and fall asleep.
Husbands are oriented around what they do. Both in the workplace and the home. They are also orientated toward and excited by the senses of sight and hearing. As I stated previously, husbands welcome the sense of responsibility to serve our wives in the bedroom and we like to know (see, hear and feel) that our wives are enjoying what we are doing.
We are so tuned in to our wives response or lack of response, that it shapes our effort and our desire in one way or the other.
In a 2007 survey by xxxChurch, a ministry helping men and women escape porn addiction and the porn industry, it was revealed that the most common internet pornography viewed by heterosexual adult males were videos of solo female masturbation. I am absolutely not advocating or condoning pornography. I am pointing to a valid need in a man's life.
As sinful a trap as porn is, that statistic lends support to the fact that men, beyond loving and desiring to serve their wives sexually, are indeed fascinated and tuned in and subsequently turned on to their wife's sexual arousal and responses.
I believe that most Christian husbands desire to love their wives and feel this innate responsibility to serve her. This gives additional meaning to Paul's command in Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church - a love marked by giving, not getting.
(THE MESSAGE)
Husbands, love your wife, selflessly in and out of the bedroom.
Communicate to your wife, your desire to satisfy her. Wives, allow your husband to fully sense the pleasure he is lovingly giving to you. If you are not experiencing pleasure, as much pleasure as you would like, or by what means, lovingly guide your husband verbally or physically - show him if you have to.
His desire, or lack thereof, is often linked to his perception of your desire for him, the satisfaction he gives you and your responses throughout the encounter.
Don't let a misunderstanding, a age old assumption, hinder your sex life for both of you. Love each other, enjoy each other's love and allow your spouse the pleasure of knowing that you are enjoying the love.
For Marriages & Families,
Dave
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