Mini Marriage Minder - Sometimes Growth is Beyond You!

I look up to the mountains—

does my help come from there?

My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth!

Psalm 121:1-2 NLT

There are times in every marriage when change is needed. Not a change that includes leaving your spouse, quitting on your marriage and breaking covenant. But a change within you, within your spouse and, perhaps, within you both.

Healthy things grow. Growth is a natural thing. So, a healthy marriage should be growing on a daily basis, much like the branches on a vine. It's interesting to watch a vine grow over time. It will find its way around pipes, downspouts and obstacles, growing through cracks in solid concrete and growing to cover entire buildings. But, what about when the branches of a vine come to an obstruction that it cannot grow passed. What then? Often the vine stagnates as it has nowhere to go. A vine is bound to it's physical surroundings. It cannot grow beyond what it can attach to. 

Marriages are a lot like vines. We grow together and can continue growing based on our love for each other and through the support of each other. But, what about when we reach an impasse ? When we feel as if there isn't the love and support we need in order to continue growing. Again, what then?

You and I as individuals and in our marriages, unlike natural vines, can implore the supernatural. We can seek divine help from God daily. God isn't limited by physical restraints. He can bring growth when we allow him to change our hearts and minds, causing us to be able to walk through the barriers in our marriages as he breaks them down.

1. What barriers are hindering the growth of your marriage?
2. How have you implored or invited the supernatural power and presence of God into it?
3. What barriers have you faced in the past, that God has broken through for your marriage?

Don't stagnate. Believe and pray for the possible, which is anything with God!

Grow On!

Dave

The Carving Knife - MMM

The Carving Knife

Recently, we posed a question on our Facebook page asking what you would like to see addressed in the Monday Marriage Minder (MMM). 

We received a response that initially intrigued me, then, I must admit, intimidated me (Dave) a bit. After thinking and praying about the suggested topic, I started to get excited about the idea of writing this week's MMM.

The suggested topic has to do with a common problem for many couples who have busy schedules, whose daily routines with work, school, commutes and their children's activities leave them with just minutes a day together. How does a couple carve out time together within their busy lives?

Rather than delve into the complexities of time management, let me just start by stating what is probably obvious to most of you, but it bears revisiting.

In marriage and family life, each of us must learn to separate the urgent from the important. "But, which is which," you ask? Well, that depends on your mindset and your priorities.

Marriage and parenting are often seen as the antagonistic pull that leaves one wanting and the other fattened. The Bible has a lot to say about marriage and it also has a much to say about parenting. However, we don't see the connection commanded or inferred in parenting that we do in marriage. It would seem, from a biblical standpoint, that the marital relationship is the urgent quite often.

I remember my Mother apologizing to me years after my parents separated. She was apologizing because, when I was a child, she would often leave my Father, neglecting his needs, to tend to mine. She felt that her actions played a huge part in the failure of their marriage and, subsequently, my relational formation.

Now, before you go and tell someone that I said to leave a sick baby crying in his or her crib, realize what I am saying.

  

I'm saying that sometimes it's OK to put off cuddle time with your child for a few minutes to be with your spouse. It's OK to lock the bedroom door to keep older children or even hungry and cooking-challenged teens at bay for a few minutes to connect with your spouse. Even if it's simply a conversation, that is time well spent.

TAG TEAM - TAG OUT

But, what about when you and your spouse only seem to pass in the hall or at the house door for a few minutes each day? Make the most of those minutes. Plan those minutes to a tee. Be ridiculously selfish with those minutes as a couple.

The kids were there for the spouse who is tagging out all day and the kids will be there for the spouse tagging in all night. Run to the bedroom a couple of times a week. Connect, touch, laugh and most importantly and most intimately, pray together. 

Make the most of your days off. Walk hand in hand whenever possible. Sit in church with your hands entwined. Soak in The Word together. Discuss what you heard and how you can apply it on the way home.

  

Write notes to each other. Ask a question in the note, wait with anticipation for your spouse's answer and share the answers in those few moments alone each day. All of these things will enhance the connection you have with your spouse.

  

The Bible says...

For everything there is a season, 

a time for every activity under heaven.. 

5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. 

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

Eccl 3:1, 5

 

Notice that verse one says that there IS a time for EVERY activity under heaven. You and your spouse just need to make the most of it. Use a time carving knife together and cut away the unnecessary, cut out some of the important for a time which will leave you with some quality time everyday. You'll be amazed at the time you can have together as a couple when you plan for it.

For Marriages & Families,

Dave & Robin

Teeter-Totter

Saturday Night, Robin and I returned from hosting and speaking at a "Love Invasion" Couple's Retreat. We had a great time with eight couples.

Just one of the activities that take the teaching portion of the retreat to a whole other level is an experience on a platform built on a pivot point.

Couples are challenged to communicate verbally and, especially, non verbally to maintain the balance of the platform. It can be a challenge.

Every move causes the platform to react. If one spouse moves, it effects the other spouse and the platform.

That platform is just like a marriage. The actions of one spouse will effect the other and the marriage. The keys are communication and not making sudden and unexpected moves that will upset the balance and health of the marriage.

"1Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus..." Philippians 2:1-5

When a couple think about each other's needs before their own, communicate and plan their actions together and keep a slow, steady and consistent pace, then their marriage will thrive.

Beyond what a couple can do for marital stability. God's Holy Spirit can bring total stability when the husband and wife's hearts are yielded to Christ.

Being yielded to Christ and love and concern for each other will keep a marriage straight, level and thriving!

Marriage's Death Row Part 15 - Drunkenness

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

Gal 5:19-21 NLT

 While writing this series, I have read the above portion of this passage each week and have been praying and pondering what to write this week.

As a pastor, it is a question that I get asked often by Christian individuals or couples. And, just as often, I reveal that I will give my answer; however, I will then ask the person doing the asking a question. 

The question is all to familiar, perhaps, for you too. It is,

"Is it a sin to have a drink of alcohol?" 

Couples want to have a bottle of wine on their anniversary dinner. Some may want to celebrate family and/or Holiday events with champagne. Still others, look forward to a beer after work or during the game.

Controversial? Yes. Is there a practical and sensible answer? I believe there is. 

Is having a drink of alcohol a sin? Initially? No. However, in doing so, one must accept the responsibility for one's own actions. Do you know how you will be effected? Do you understand how doing so may effect others. It can be a slippery slope as even one drink can effect your reason, especially because of our obedience to scriptures mandate (Ephesians 5:18 & 1 Peter 4:3)

Personally, I do not have an answer to the latter question. I am not always aware of who may be watching my life or watching our marriage. So, our default, is abstinence. I do not want any of my actions to cause a problem for someone else.

With all that, I also realize that some Christians take this position to the extreme and will not even associate with Christian people who will have a drink from time to time. We don't advocate that, as relationships are precious to us.

As for couples who do not know Christ, we don't initially make it an issue. No one has to change who they are or what they do to be a friend of Dave & Robin Kidd. We are thrilled at the chance to let the Spirit minister to them through the observed example in our lives, marriage and family.

Now for the question that I always ask.

The question is this,

"Why do you want to know?"

Most individuals or couples who ask if it is a sin to have a drink of alcohol are really asking where the "line" is. They, often, want to know because they want to camp out on that line, with their toes just crossing it.

I believe that, in many cases, there is a spirit of rebellion behind the question. So many of us, either in the past or currently, want to live so close to the edge, so close to the line, so we can maintain the self-illusion of having our cake and eating it too.

We try to have a right relationship with God and have fun in the world. When the Bible talks about being separate from the world, it is a spiritual separation - not thinking , saying or doing the sinful things that the world does. I believe we can do that and maintain Christ's influence on the world. 

How is your marriage and your life influencing those around you? How is it effecting the marriages and lives around you?

Be the example. Be the friends. Be the couple that helps other couples put drunkenness on marriages death row.

For Marriages & Families,

Dave

When the Beginning Isn't the Beginning

When the Beginning Isn't the Beginning

   

"Certainly - but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality - the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting - but only for such times. 

Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us 

when we least expect it."

1 Cor 7:2-5

(THE MESSAGE)  

You've both ran around the house, tidying things up from that evening's meal, the hours of snacking that accompanied the homework, the TV watching and the marathon of texting that continues constantly and you manage to get yourself showered only to collapse into bed, exhausted from the day's work and responsibilities. 

Now, just as you feel sleep starting to envelop you, your spouse lays their hand on you - a tell-tale warning that sleep isn't on their mind. 

For wives, it's often, not always, but often, a gesture of wanting to connect, more emotionally than physically.  You lay your hand on your husband's chest and your head on his shoulder. It's a closeness that soothes you and brings you a feeling of contentment and security.

For many husbands, again, not all, but many, our intentions are often more direct. We lay our hand on our wife's hip but it doesn't stay there long. It either moves north to the mountains or south to the coast, either way it is sending a clear message.

While this does reveal a need to address the whole topic of loving, valuing and caring for our spouse through our advances, we will save that for another week. I do want to bring to light the fact that with a busy lifestyle, our energy is consumed more quickly than we realize. 

Throughout any given day, we have opportunity to initiate and build the excitement and anticipation of our physical intimacy. However, we often fail to create that expectancy when we do not take the time to communicate verbally, and more often, non-verbally with our spouse. When we do not touch, do not talk and do not make those little connections throughout the day, there is little wonder why we often find ourselves sleepily trying to ignite a passionate fire with wet wood and old matches.

Robin and I have been guilty of this and we are still working on improving in this area. It starts in the morning. Robin is an early riser, waking well before I do. When she wakes me with a kiss, my anticipation starts right then. And when my anticipation is started, I respond in a more loving and intentional manner. 

When we pass each other in the bathroom as she is getting ready for her day, or as she is spending time in God's Word in the kitchen, a hug from behind, and kiss on her head or neck builds her anticipation and desire to emotionally and physically connect with me.

It can also be something that catches our spouse off guard, something unpredictable as to when, where and what was done. 

When we meet the felt needs of our spouse it is a very motivating experience for them. By serving our spouse throughout the day, in and out of bed, we demonstrate our love for them and our desire to be with them, emotionally and physically.

Paul, while single,  had great insight into this need for service and connectivity. We would do well to heed it. Sexual intimacy isn't initiated minutes before lovemaking, it is maintained and fueled by everything we say and do toward and for our spouse.

The taste of Robin's good morning kiss is still on my lips, mentally and emotionally, Now if you excuse me, I have a load of laundry to switch in the utility room and some steaks to turn in the marinade bag and some floors to sweep so Robin and I have time for our family and each other when she gets home.

It is going to be a great weekend. Make it a great one too.

For Marriages & Families,

Dave

Monday Marriage Minder

Marriage's Death Row

Part 14 - Envy

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

Gal 5:19-21 NLT

When we watch marriages and married couples around us, it doesn't take long to see that what the world views as love is often at odds with the biblical characteristics of love.

If I were to ask couples across our nation, in a survey or poll, to describe love, many, no doubt would describe it as a feeling.

In the Bible, love is described as a gift and as something that is given, a sharp contrast to popular worldview. It is amazing how much the difference is affecting marriages and families today.  It can creep into our hearts and spirits before we even realize it.  Yes, it can even sneak into the life of Christian marriage if allowed.

When our neighbors bring home that new car, the wife is sporting some more bling, how does that make us feel?  Are wives ever tempted to question why their husbands are not providing them with those things?  On the other hand, guys, how about the time when the neighbor brings home that new piece of lawn equipment, or car. When things like that happen, do we men question ourselves and even perhaps our wives?

Envy is the wrecking ball of marriages.  I like how the message paraphrase puts 1 Corinthians 13:4, “...love doesn’t want, what it doesn’t have.”  In a want-driven society the race to accumulate things is driving many marriages and families into ruin.  Bankruptcy, foreclosures and divorce are still at a high.

Envy does not stop with the material, but invades the emotional, mental, and even the spiritual aspects of our marriages.  A woman may want that caring and considerate husband that lives four doors down, the one who is always opening doors for his wife and playing baseball with their kids.  

A man may want the woman at the office who is always ready with a compliment because of his intelligence and abilities.  A couple may desire the giftings of a couple at their church, the ones that always are leading and in charge of various ministries.  On and on it goes......

I think of the apostle Paul’s words in scripture where he mentions how he had learned the secret to be content in Philippians 4. It is the void that is experienced by a life away or distanced from Christ that leads to discontent.

And, on the heels of discontent, is envy.

Put envy on marriage's death row and soak in the contentment found in a marriage centered on Christ.

 

For Marriages & Families,

Dave

WE TIME - "It's Always About Him, Or Is It?"

The feelings I get when I see the high mountain ranges 

- stirrings of desire, longings for the heights -  

Remind me of you, 

and I'm spoiled for anyone else!  

6 Your beauty, within and without, is absolute, 

dear lover, close companion.  

7 You are tall and supple, like the palm tree, 

and your full breasts are like sweet clusters of dates.  

8 I say, "I'm going to climb that palm tree! 

I'm going to caress its fruit!" 

Oh yes! Your breasts 

will be clusters of sweet fruit to me, 

Your breath clean and cool like fresh mint,  

9 your tongue and lips like the best wine.

Song of Songs 7:5-9 

 (THE MESSAGE)  

  

  Enough is enough. The silence is deafening. What has not been talked about in most churches, among a great deal of families and  in many marriages, has crippled the union of husband and wife for far too long.

After years of counseling husbands and wives, it seems to me that there is a universal disconnect between so many married couples. That disconnect is most often in the area of physical intimacy. Sex.

Often, the excuse of, "He's just not interested" is heard. Wife after wife, echoing the same sentiment. However, the husbands disagree. For the most part, the husband is indeed interested; however, not in the way most wives would think.

There has been a long-time used piece of miss-information circulating about in a sinister way that says that men are only into sex for what they get out of it - their pleasure, their response and their climax. This is not entirely true, in fact, very little of it is true.

When a husband loves his wife, honoring the marriage covenant, he feels a sense of responsibility to not only love his wife through words, kind gestures and the like, but he feels a welcomed responsibility to love her in the bedroom, or wherever their lovemaking finds them.

  

Binding Hearts conducted an online survey for husbands this past week. In it, we asked 4 questions after which husbands could choose multiple answers. The results may be surprising to many wives and affirming to many husbands.

We asked...

During sex with your wife, where is your mind focused?

63.2% said - On my wife's responses (verbal, movement, breathing).

and

57.9% answered more specifically - On what brings her pleasure (stimulation type, movement, speed, depth).

Perhaps surprising to some, only 36.8% answered - On the sensation/pleasure I'm experiencing while listening for cues from my wife.

and

10.5% answered - On the sensation/pleasure I'm experiencing.

  

We asked...

During foreplay, what excites you the most? 

57.9% answered - Her response to what I am doing?

and

52.6% answered more specifically - Seeing/hearing her enjoy the pleasure I am giving her.

  

Whereas only 31.6% answered - The way she is stimulating me.

  

We asked...

If you had to make a choice between bringing your wife to orgasm(s) or orgasm (ejaculation) yourself, which would you choose and why?

68.4% answered -  Bringing my wife to orgasm(s) because I love to give her pleasure.

Whereas only 21.1% answered -

(TIE) Bringing my wife to orgasm(s) because that would be the less selfish thing to do.

(TIE) Bringing my wife to orgasm(s), although I would lose interest if I couldn't experience an orgasm myself. 

(TIE) Bringing my wife to orgasm(s) because that really gets me off.

 and

  

Only 10.5% answered - My own orgasm, because I need the release.

  

We asked...

  

When I experience an orgasm (ejaculation) before my wife reaches orgasm or subsequent orgasms...  

61.1% answered - I feel bad and stimulate her in other ways until she is satisfied.

38.9% answered - I ask her if she wants to experience an orgasm and stimulate her if she desires.

Whereas only 16.7% answered - I feel bad but I realize that's the way it happens sometimes.

 and

only 5.6% answered - I don't worry about it, I kiss my wife goodnight and fall asleep.

Husbands are oriented around what they do. Both in the workplace and the home. They are also orientated toward and excited by the senses of sight and hearing. As I stated previously, husbands welcome the sense of responsibility to serve our wives in the bedroom and we like to know (see, hear and feel) that our wives are enjoying what we are doing. 

We are so tuned in to our wives response or lack of response, that it shapes our effort and our desire in one way or the other.

In a 2007 survey by xxxChurch, a ministry helping men and women escape porn addiction and the porn industry, it was revealed that the most common internet pornography viewed by heterosexual adult males were videos of solo female masturbation. I am absolutely not advocating or condoning pornography. I am pointing to a valid need in a man's life.

As sinful a trap as porn is, that statistic lends support to the fact that men, beyond loving and desiring to serve their wives sexually, are indeed fascinated and tuned in and subsequently turned on to their wife's sexual arousal and responses.

I believe that most Christian husbands desire to love their wives and feel this innate responsibility to serve her. This gives additional meaning to Paul's command in Ephesians 5:25

 

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church - a love marked by giving, not getting.  

(THE MESSAGE) 

 

 Husbands, love your wife, selflessly in and out of the bedroom. 

 Communicate to your wife, your desire to satisfy her. Wives, allow your husband to fully sense the pleasure he is lovingly giving to you. If you are not experiencing pleasure, as much pleasure as you would like, or by what means, lovingly guide your husband verbally or physically - show him if you have to.

His desire, or lack thereof, is often linked to his perception of your desire for him, the satisfaction he gives you and your responses throughout the encounter.

Don't let a misunderstanding, a age old assumption, hinder your sex life for both of you. Love each other, enjoy each other's love and allow your spouse the pleasure of knowing that you are enjoying the love.

For Marriages & Families,

Dave

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