Marriage, Dribbling and Basketball

So, today, we were hanging out at the Girl's Ministry Retreat waiting for our daughter Kaitlin's honor star crowning ceremony. Rather than be the only guy in the pool area, except the lifeguards, (awkward) I opted for the solitude of the basketball court.

I did surprisingly well, considering that I have not shot hoops for several years. The majority of my shots found the net, but some bounced off of the rim - and a chase ensued.

While on the court, I was reminded of something. When a basketball is dribbled it maintains a steady rythym and direction. However, take your hand away and the ball's course becomes less predictable and it's rythym grows weaker with every bounce.

Our marriage is like that basketball. When we keep our hands on it, it is steady, it is fun and it is productive.

It's when we take our hands away - become passive rather than proactive, self-centered rather than spouse-centered and disengaged rather than invested, that our marriage begins fading down a slippery slope.

Keep your hands on your marriage- and your spouse. ;) Have a ball but don't lose the ball.

Real Honesty

Your spouse asks you a question which typically begins with, "Did you...?" Do you answer honestly, give the answer that he/she would want to hear or the answer that will avoid conflict?

It's so easy to get caught up in dishonesty for the sake of convenience.

Be real with your spouse in even the little things. Intimacy begins to grow there.

Too Much of a Good Thing

In my writing, I am often accused of being hard on husbands and easy on wives. While there is probably some truth to those accusations, I do, on occasion, make an attempt to speak some life into wives. Please allow me to do that today.

I am always amazed at how gifted my wife is at juggling all her different roles in life. Wife, Mother, worker, pastor's wife, ministry leader, homemaker and friend. Without a doubt, Robin is a Proverbs 31 woman, with an incredible work ethic. She wears every hat of her life with excellence and looks mighty fine in each one.

However, even though that characteristic is a strength and is very desirable in a wife, the extreme of that characteristic can lead to trouble.

Too often, couples come to us who are in marriages that have gone stale - that have lost their spark. A reoccurring trait in the marriages of many of these couples is that they suffer from priority issues.

Clean dishes and clean kids are important, as are regular meals and folded laundry. But, I'm guessing that husbands across the country would be thrilled to have that one on one time with their wife - over a pristine living room and a 5 course meal.

A wise husband would do well to ease his wife's load by helping with projects and the daily things that need done. But, when the time created by doing so is habitually used to tack on additional projects instead of connecting relationally or intimately, the husband receives a message that the wife never truly intended to send.

Wives, are you showing your husband that you value him over projects, chores, daily routines and schedules? Does this mean that you should drop everything and whisk your husband off to the bedroom when he would least suspect it? Every once in a while - YES!

God has given you, as a woman and as a wife, a nurturing spirit. And as a husband, I thank God for it. It is in your nature to serve your family - desiring to meet their needs.

Remember to prioritize those needs from time to time. Want to be a great wife? Show your husband that he means more to you and you desire to be with him more than you do matching socks in the laundry sometime this week. Meet his need to be with you.

Also, when your husbands does help with projects and other tasks, it typically means two things.
1. I love you and I want to serve you by helping you.
2. I love you and I want some time with you.

In your husband's mind, being with you is a good thing that he can never get too much of.

Borrowing Time

1 Corinthians 7:1, 6 MSG

"Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them."

Recently, Robin and I accepted a challenge put forth by colleagues of ours in marriage ministry. What was the challenge? It was marriage-strengthening, it was intimate, it was fun, it was satisfying,  it was incredible and it was - A CHALLENGE!

We were challenged to have sex, make love, be intimate, however you want to label it, at least once a day for seven days.

You might be thinking, "What's the challenge in that?" Try it! As good as it was, we discovered, within ourselves, a fact that we warn other couples about.

Life can be draining - emotionally, mentally, physically and relationally. We wind up borrowing energy that could be used for a intimate and sexual encounter to use to get through the day.

Priorities! It was amazing what the challenge did for our marriage. In honesty and transparency, we went through day six, when back injuries, treatments and borrowing took it's toll. However those six days transformed something in us - it re-ignited a holiness and an intimacy in our marriage.

Not surprisingly, many couples of varying ages are, simply put, not having sex on a regular basis, or regularly enough to be the spiritual warfare that it can be in a marriage.

Where are you borrowing time and energy in your life that is stealing from your sex life?

Good sex isn't the only thing in a successful marriage, but it is a important aspect. Want an increase in holiness? Want an increase in intimacy? Stop borrowing time and energy from your sexual potential.

Can you go 3, 5, 7 days straight to re-ignite your sexual lives. Regardless of the amount of time, you will be amazed at what it will for your marriage.

Are you battling for your marriage? Battle together in the bedroom.

Marriage's Death Row - Part 8 - Quarrelling

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
Gal 5:19-21 NLT

It's uncomfortable, it's distracting, it's embarrassing and it's damaging to marriages. You know what I mean. Who among us has never been in the presence of a couple while they are quarrelling with each other? Most of us, undoubtedly, have.

How often have we witnessed this and either wanted to rush out of the room or blow a whistle and get in between the couple?

What is it about wanting to be right, wanting to win, wanting our own way that provokes us to lay aside our love, care and concern for our spouse, in order to prevail in an argument?

Every couple will disagree about something at some point; however, that disagreement does not have to escalate into an argument or a quarrel. That is true, unless we choose to knowingly and willfully take the low road and fuel the escalation by what we think, say and do.

So, how do we keep arguments, quarrels, strife and discord from invading and damaging our marriage? I like The Message Paraphrase's answer in Romans 12.

Be good friends who love deeply;

practice playing second fiddle.

Rom 12:10 - The Message

When we prefer to show love to our spouse over winning an argument, over being right, over getting our own way and over our selfish pride - the root of all of these things, we put this desire of the sinful nature on marriage's death row.

How are you purposely going to lock up this sinful desire in your marriage?

For Marriages & Families,

Dave

Dancing With the Devil

As Christians, we used to spend a great deal of time talking to our kids about the importance of obeying Paul's command in scripture that says that we are not to be unevenly yoked. Simply put, we are not to form close relationships with those outside of the faith. Such is true for romantic, business and, even some friendships.

However, in recent years, many Christians have become lax in following that command. "Evangelistic" dating, the desire to show acceptance to everyone and the flat-out ignoring of scripture's mandate because “we want to” have taken root and are flourishing patterns in this area now.

It is hard to sit and watch solid Christians, get pulled down while thinking they will be the exception - they will be the strong one. Seldom if ever, is this the case. How many of God’s family do we have to see fall, before we say something? Or, will we ever say anything?

Additionally, there is a growing trend that indicates that staying equally yoked has become fraught with complex problems. I know of several spouses of ministry leaders, pastors and solid Christians that have not only walked out of their marriage, but have walked out on their faith as well. These things could not have happened overnight. What led to the shocking change of heart and mind?

What or who came between husband and wife, parent and child and family and God.

In an effort to appear non-judgmental and accepting, I fear that the church has accepted an invitation - an invitation to dance with the devil.

This is all very alarming to me. That doesn't mean that I am panicking - running down my street heralding a catastrophe, but I am alarmed. I am concerned because I have seen where the party ends up. It leads to death – death of a marriage, a family, ones faith and even one’s body.

Parents, please wake up, parent up and set an example. Ask the tough questions of yourself first and then ask those same questions of your children. Is who I’m (your) dating pleasing God? Or are they dragging me (you) down – into compromise and sin?

What are you and your spouse teaching your kids about their choices in who they date? What are you doing to ensure that you and your spouse stay equally yoked in your faith? If you are married and not equally yoked, STAY MARRIED - God’s Holy Spirit will minister to your spouse through you, as long as you stay rooted in Christ. God will reward you for your faithfulness to Him and your spouse.

Don’t fall for a cheap invitation – it will cost you more than you ever wanted to pay.

Marriage's Death Row

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
Gal 5:19-21 NLT

We've all been there at one time or another. Well, most of us have, anyway. There are times in marriage when the environment could be considered hostile.

 One spouse has a bad day and goes off without thinking on the unsuspecting other. Someone fails to complete a task requested of them, and the marital climate becomes noticeably more cold.

 One would hope that, with maturity, we would develop and grow into the ability to communicate effectively without losing control of our emotions. However, there would be few of us, if any, that could honestly say that we have never blown it and became hostile in the past.

 The word hostility ("hatred" in the New International Version of the Bible) means a hostile state, condition, or attitude; enmity; antagonism; unfriendliness. - (Websters)

 The original word, used in this passage comes from a root word meaning to hate passively or actively. Whoa! Wait a minute - some of us could be in serious trouble here.

 Passive hatred could be displayed in our marriage by not showing love in our attitude. Uh-Oh! So, if we employ the silent treatment, stiffen in an embrace or if we have a uncaring demeanor towards our spouse - we are hating them and our matrimonial environment becomes filled with hostility. Yikes!

 Enough of those scenarios, over time, can lead to active hatred and hostility causing verbal, emotional and physical attacks that can and will destroy a marriage.

 What if we, as couples, actively guarded ourselves against the temptation to passively hate one another. We would do well to place hostility and hatred on Marriage's Death Row by renewing our commitment to love each other in thought, word, attitude and action.

 Don't let hostility take root in your marriage. Pray with your spouse, ask the Lord to help you to grow your marriage - a marriage free from hatred, passive or active.

For Marriages & Families,

Dave