Do Not Press This Button

This weekend, the subject of buttons came ups several times; so, I had to post something about marriage as it relates to buttons.

Yesterday, Robin and I had the privilege of having lunch with another couple. Our time was spent with some good food and great conversation. The conversation was quite humorous as we shared our experiences in marriage, family and ministry.

Near the end of our time together, in response to something that was said, I made one of my usual statements about how no person can make us angry. We simply choose to become angry in certain situations.

The conversation continued with the wives mentioning about how we, as husbands and wives, can walk on or push each other's buttons - buttons which can fuel a negative and sometimes explosive reaction.

We all have buttons - those vulnerable areas, which we try to protect so much that we hide them away and seldom address the need to work through them.

While we are all fairly predictable, our buttons can change regularly - even daily. We know how frustrated a wife can become when something she says or does causes little or no reaction in her husband one day and causes a massive explosion the next.

Or. The confusion a husband feels when he can say the exact same words, in the exact same tone and in a very similar situation and have two very different outcomes in regard to how his wife will react.

The typical end result of these scenarios? NOTHING. We stop doing anything for FEAR of our spouses reaction. The marriage then becomes isolated and driven by fear and avoidance.

Here is how it, practically, plays out:

•We don't talk about those issues -Communication Isolation.
•We don't put ourselves in situations, as a couple or with other couples, where those issues may come up - Relational Isolation.
•We bury the issue and never address it within ourselves - Heart Isolation.
•We cannot fully abandon ourselves to enjoy the physical intimacy of our love - Physical Isolation.
•Our ability to be intimate with each other and with God is hindered - Spiritual Isolation.

When we fail to control our reactions or fail to respond in a well thought-out manner we strip away the stabilizing factors of safety and security in our marriage.

As a Christian husband or wife, we need to provide a place of safety and security for our spouse in which we can share together. A place where we can speak the truth in love, and share the most intimate of our thoughts and what we are feeling.

Safety and security speaks of protection. Do we truly love our spouse?

"It (Love) always protects" 1 Corinthians 13:7a.

Loving our spouse is not shown by avoiding our spouses buttons. It is shown by working together through those issues that each of us have. When we do that, we protect each other and we disconnect the power that those buttons release.


For Marriages and Families,

Dave & Robin

UNBELIZEABLE!

What can we say?

We arrived in Belize last Saturday and were awed by the beauty of the lush foliage, the fragrance of the variety of flowers and the view of the Mayan Mountains in the distance.



After our journey to the Village of San Antonio (population 4000), we were greeted by village leaders who insisted on helping us with our luggage. We were immediately family, bonded with Christ's love.



We were able to minister in the church service on Sunday morning - Robin and I singing on the praise team. After the service we prayed for the church members under a powerful anointing of God's Holy Spirit.

Sunday afternoon the entire team went to the home of an 18 year old girl who had recently been diagnosed with Leukemia. While we went to pray for her, she ministered to us with her unwavering faith and encouragement.

On Monday we begin the construction and refurbishing projects at the School.




The conditions at this facility, compared to the schools in the States, are very lacking. It broke our hearts to see the equipment and classrooms that are utilized at this school serving nearly 300 students.

After a days work in the heat and humidity, we prepared for the first night of the marriage conference. We learned that there is a planned start time and a Belizean start time - typically 45 minutes to an hour after the scheduled start time.

The conference, the first of it's kind in the area, was well attended and served as an introduction to this kind of teaching to the area pastors and village leaders. It was our first time preaching and teaching with the help of an interpreter.

After the first night, we were hearing reports of the pastors and leaders excitement. There were pastors saying,

"We have never heard this taught. This teaching is good and strong."
"This is so needed in our Country."

Each night of the conference concluded with me talking with many men and Robin ministering, hugging and crying with many women.

The culture in Belize is not favorable for women. Often women feel as if they are in bondage. The freedom that Christ can bring to marriages is so needed in this Country.

We did not fully realize what God had purposed to do through us this week. Not until Thursday. I was invited to meet with all the area pastors for a morning meeting resembling more of a meeting of the tribal chiefs. Some of our colleagues in marriage ministry had donated marriage ministry material and I distributed a pack of books to each pastor. After describing the content and explaining how to use each book in ministry, the pastors began asking questions.

They were most curious about the fact that Robin and I minister together - both preaching and teaching. In Belize, women typically do not minister in the churches, save but for singing. The pastors were interested in how they can begin incorporating women into ministry opportunities.

We could see the rust on the wheels of equality and freedom begin to fall off, as the pastors pondered my words, words given by the Holy Spirit in a crucial point in time.

Later that evening, while walking back to the school from a benefit concert for Samantha, the girl diagnosed with Leukemia, we were stopped repeatedly by couples wanting to thank us for coming. Many said,

"We prayed as a couple for the first time this week." "We have taught other couples the prayer model already." " We need more teaching and other couples in other villages need to hear this."

Robin and I walked the remaining distance in tears. God has started something amazing in the hearts of the Belizean pastor's, couples and families.

We've been invited back. We are praying. With the need so great and a welcoming door so wide open...

What can we say?



THANK YOU to all who prayed and sacrificed their finances to make this trip possible. Lives, marriages and families have been changed through your effort. We are eternally grateful.


For Marriages and Families,

Dave & Robin

Bring the Charges

"Bring the charges? I thought that we, as Christian couples, were supposed to overlook our spouse's faults?"

Sure, we are to be striving to do that, but the reality for most couples necessitates the need for some ground rules when we tread the all-to-familiar waters of failing to turn the other cheek.

Have you ever came home only to walk in the door and the first words you hear are in the tone of an executioner? Forget the arraignment, the hearing, the trial and sentencing, why not just put a verbal bullet through our spouse's head and let them lay where they fell?

Sadly, this is all too common in marriages today. We fail to, gently and respectfully, bring the charges to our spouses attention, before we, within a nano-second, execute judgement.

For women, before a word is spoken, they immediately sense a lack of security and protection. There will be no hug, no kiss, no welcoming of the wife back into the arms of her husband. Then the wife feels rejected and abandoned. Yeah, that will motivate her for sure!

For men, words will be spoken, with their wife's eyes first, then with their tone. A tone that is akin to words such as "Bad Dog! Bad!" He immediately feels disrespected and silently vows that he "will never allow her to treat him like that again." At that point, she is no longer being heard, he's, internally, too furious.

Simply put, both husband and wife are trying to express a need - be it help with the dishes or some encouragement. However, harsh tones and emotional abandonment will NEVER allow those needs to be met.

So, if you can't overlook the offenses of your spouse, at least be reasonable enough to bring the charges in a gentle, loving and respectful way. How?

Use sentences that begin with "I need..." "I know that you didn't mean to..., but I..." Use quiet tones without sarcasm.

Practice what you are going to say in front of a mirror. Look at your facial expressions and listen to the tone of your voice. These things may be communicating something to your spouse that you never intended.

Since most of us cannot completely live ideally, this side of heaven, we can, at least, learn to live with mutual respect and love.

Monday Marriage Minder - 4-4-2011 - Fruit Loops - Part 9 - "Gentleness"

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galatians 5:22-23 NLT "I can't believe that you said that!" "I can't believe that you said that like that!" Have you ever thought or said either of those sentences? Chances are that you have. Most, if not all, of us have reacted to something that was said to us or how it was said to us in a similar manner. As we are nearing the end of this series, I have realized that if the Fruit of the Spirit is not evident in our most intimate relationship, how then will our lives be Spirit led, Spirit filled and Spirit formed and evident to all that we come in contact with? The way we speak to our spouse is just as important as the words we use when we speak to our spouse. Gentleness is a Fruit of the Spirit that goes a long way in working through disagreements and fostering security in the marriage relationship. "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Eph 4:2-3 NIV If this truly applies to the Church then it has to apply to marriages for we, as couples, are part of the church, are we not? Harshness or rude remarks and actions only intensify problems and these things serve to tear down a marriage. On a gentleness scale of 1-10, how would you honestly rate your thoughts, attitudes, words and actions toward your spouse? Be gentle! For Marriages, Dave & Robin

Passive - Destructive Marriages

Today, I was contemplating the danger of being passive in our marriage. Just as we need to be active in the daily pursuit of our spouse (yes, you still need to pursue him/her after you are married - plus it is so much more fun when you catch him/her) we need to actively engage in spiritual warfare as a couple. It takes action. The enemy of our marriages, through life and his schemes, tries his dead-level best to bring us down.



We can't afford to just waltz through life, thinking that everything will be fine with no action on our part. It's time to pull our heads out of the sand, spit it out of our mouths and declare that we will play an active part offensively - in what God wants to do in our marriages and defensively - resisting what our enemy is always trying to bring against us.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV

This passage follows one of the most powerful passages of the Bible - dealing with relationships. The word "Finally" means - In light of all this, or, perhaps, because this is so important and the enemy will target you because of this. - These show our need for action.


Read that passage again with your sweetheart today - then be doers of the Word you read! Don't be passive!

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

Robin and I returned yesterday evening from spending the weekend with one of the most loving, giving and hospitable families that we have ever met.

We were in town to minister during a marriage conference and to bring the Word on Sunday. I believe that we were probably more blessed by the Lord through this family and the people of the church, than they were through us.

This family welcomed us into their home, included us in their weekend plans and made us feel like they genuinely wanted us there.

When you stay in someones home, for even a short amount of time, you can't help but get to know them. We met three of their five children, a nephew, his wife and their little boy. Robin and I were blown away at how polite, friendly and open each family member was.

It did not take me long to figure out what it was about this family that made them so close. It was the fruit of goodness. The husband and wife, together, guarded their home, only letting that which is good to enter. From entertainment choices to activities, these were only acceptable if they were healthy and honored God.

This family also extends goodness to others, laboring tirelessly for the good of individuals, other families and their community.

This couple's children, all grown, are visibly reaping the benefits of the goodness with which they were raised. Subsequently, they are now displaying this fruit in their own lives.

As parents, what are we allowing into our homes and into our lives and the lives of our children? Do we stand guard, assessing those things and allowing only the healthy activities and the goodness of the Holy Spirit to pass?

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy —

think about such things."
Phil 4:8-9 NIV

What would our marriages, families and churches look like if we vowed to only receive -look at, listen to and allow in our hearts and minds - that which is pleasing to God? And, if we vowed to demonstrate only goodness to everyone around us? What would that do for the "Loop" that would encircle back to us as a result of our remaining true to such vows?

Goodness is one "Fruit- Loop" that we need to receive and display more in our lives.

For Marriages,

Dave & Robin

Monday Marriage Minder - 3-7-2011 - "Fruit Loops" - Part 6 - "Kindness"

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

Have you ever gone to the cupboard for a box of cereal, only to find a near empty inner bag containing a small portion of fractured pieces that is often more dust than cereal? Frustrating and disappointing, is it not?

Sadly, as inconsequential as a wee bit of cereal is, we often experience, to a much greater degree, the feelings of disappointment, loss and disconnection when the amount of kindness present within the confines of our marital box is in short supply.

When such is the case, it feels as though someone has jumped up and down on our box - crushing the life-giving substance to the point that it is beyond use or worth.

This lack of kindness is ruining marriages at an alarming rate today. When this Fruit of the Spirit is not being manifested in our marriage, there is a bone and relationship-chilling coldness that creeps into our hearts and lives.

I remember watching a music video in which the main character, a man, was sitting at a bar, peeling the label off of a bottle while singing these words...

"Well, it's too hot to fish,
too hot for golf
and too cold at home."

We have all been there. An icy stare, a cold and thoughtless remark. Well, remarks are seldom thoughtless, I mean, we do have to think it before we say it. Failing to show kindness is often just as intentional as showing kindness. It is, most often, pre-meditated. We plan to show kindness or a lack of kindness to our spouse in an attempt to bless, love and cherish, or, conversely, to manipulate, seek revenge and hurt.

Kindness is an intentional thing. It is not something that just happens. Throughout scripture, God showed his kindness to his people. He chose to do it.

What is amazing to me is the fact that showing kindness attracts. It attracts people, it positively affects relationships and it builds bridges of growth and peace.

On the other hand, a lack of kindness, will tear down and destroy. Even the strongest of persons will eventually wear and break in an atmosphere where kindness is in want.

Think of it this way. What attracted you to Christ? Was it because that he is the all-powerful Son of God? Or was it his kindness - the kindness that demonstrated his love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8) That is true kindness.

He showed kindness to us even while we were not deserving. He continues to do this and we still are not deserving. Do not miss the significance of Christ's example here. Are we ever tempted to only demonstrate kindness when we feel our spouse deserves our kindness? In light of Christ's example, who are we to do that?

Real life questions. When you and your spouse get home today, what will the both of you come home to? Will your spiritual, relational and physical home be filled with kindness and warmth? Or will the icy and willful condition of your hearts liken the environment to the chilly conditions outside of our house today?

This is one "Fruit Loop" that can yield amazing results when we apply it. When we choose to show kindness, with time, it becomes reciprocal, and even if it does not, Christ's kindness will continue to be extended to you.

You choose,

For Marriages,

Dave & Robin