Monday Marriage Minder - 4-4-2011 - Fruit Loops - Part 9 - "Gentleness"

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galatians 5:22-23 NLT "I can't believe that you said that!" "I can't believe that you said that like that!" Have you ever thought or said either of those sentences? Chances are that you have. Most, if not all, of us have reacted to something that was said to us or how it was said to us in a similar manner. As we are nearing the end of this series, I have realized that if the Fruit of the Spirit is not evident in our most intimate relationship, how then will our lives be Spirit led, Spirit filled and Spirit formed and evident to all that we come in contact with? The way we speak to our spouse is just as important as the words we use when we speak to our spouse. Gentleness is a Fruit of the Spirit that goes a long way in working through disagreements and fostering security in the marriage relationship. "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Eph 4:2-3 NIV If this truly applies to the Church then it has to apply to marriages for we, as couples, are part of the church, are we not? Harshness or rude remarks and actions only intensify problems and these things serve to tear down a marriage. On a gentleness scale of 1-10, how would you honestly rate your thoughts, attitudes, words and actions toward your spouse? Be gentle! For Marriages, Dave & Robin

Passive - Destructive Marriages

Today, I was contemplating the danger of being passive in our marriage. Just as we need to be active in the daily pursuit of our spouse (yes, you still need to pursue him/her after you are married - plus it is so much more fun when you catch him/her) we need to actively engage in spiritual warfare as a couple. It takes action. The enemy of our marriages, through life and his schemes, tries his dead-level best to bring us down.



We can't afford to just waltz through life, thinking that everything will be fine with no action on our part. It's time to pull our heads out of the sand, spit it out of our mouths and declare that we will play an active part offensively - in what God wants to do in our marriages and defensively - resisting what our enemy is always trying to bring against us.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV

This passage follows one of the most powerful passages of the Bible - dealing with relationships. The word "Finally" means - In light of all this, or, perhaps, because this is so important and the enemy will target you because of this. - These show our need for action.


Read that passage again with your sweetheart today - then be doers of the Word you read! Don't be passive!

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

Robin and I returned yesterday evening from spending the weekend with one of the most loving, giving and hospitable families that we have ever met.

We were in town to minister during a marriage conference and to bring the Word on Sunday. I believe that we were probably more blessed by the Lord through this family and the people of the church, than they were through us.

This family welcomed us into their home, included us in their weekend plans and made us feel like they genuinely wanted us there.

When you stay in someones home, for even a short amount of time, you can't help but get to know them. We met three of their five children, a nephew, his wife and their little boy. Robin and I were blown away at how polite, friendly and open each family member was.

It did not take me long to figure out what it was about this family that made them so close. It was the fruit of goodness. The husband and wife, together, guarded their home, only letting that which is good to enter. From entertainment choices to activities, these were only acceptable if they were healthy and honored God.

This family also extends goodness to others, laboring tirelessly for the good of individuals, other families and their community.

This couple's children, all grown, are visibly reaping the benefits of the goodness with which they were raised. Subsequently, they are now displaying this fruit in their own lives.

As parents, what are we allowing into our homes and into our lives and the lives of our children? Do we stand guard, assessing those things and allowing only the healthy activities and the goodness of the Holy Spirit to pass?

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy —

think about such things."
Phil 4:8-9 NIV

What would our marriages, families and churches look like if we vowed to only receive -look at, listen to and allow in our hearts and minds - that which is pleasing to God? And, if we vowed to demonstrate only goodness to everyone around us? What would that do for the "Loop" that would encircle back to us as a result of our remaining true to such vows?

Goodness is one "Fruit- Loop" that we need to receive and display more in our lives.

For Marriages,

Dave & Robin

Monday Marriage Minder - 3-7-2011 - "Fruit Loops" - Part 6 - "Kindness"

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

Have you ever gone to the cupboard for a box of cereal, only to find a near empty inner bag containing a small portion of fractured pieces that is often more dust than cereal? Frustrating and disappointing, is it not?

Sadly, as inconsequential as a wee bit of cereal is, we often experience, to a much greater degree, the feelings of disappointment, loss and disconnection when the amount of kindness present within the confines of our marital box is in short supply.

When such is the case, it feels as though someone has jumped up and down on our box - crushing the life-giving substance to the point that it is beyond use or worth.

This lack of kindness is ruining marriages at an alarming rate today. When this Fruit of the Spirit is not being manifested in our marriage, there is a bone and relationship-chilling coldness that creeps into our hearts and lives.

I remember watching a music video in which the main character, a man, was sitting at a bar, peeling the label off of a bottle while singing these words...

"Well, it's too hot to fish,
too hot for golf
and too cold at home."

We have all been there. An icy stare, a cold and thoughtless remark. Well, remarks are seldom thoughtless, I mean, we do have to think it before we say it. Failing to show kindness is often just as intentional as showing kindness. It is, most often, pre-meditated. We plan to show kindness or a lack of kindness to our spouse in an attempt to bless, love and cherish, or, conversely, to manipulate, seek revenge and hurt.

Kindness is an intentional thing. It is not something that just happens. Throughout scripture, God showed his kindness to his people. He chose to do it.

What is amazing to me is the fact that showing kindness attracts. It attracts people, it positively affects relationships and it builds bridges of growth and peace.

On the other hand, a lack of kindness, will tear down and destroy. Even the strongest of persons will eventually wear and break in an atmosphere where kindness is in want.

Think of it this way. What attracted you to Christ? Was it because that he is the all-powerful Son of God? Or was it his kindness - the kindness that demonstrated his love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8) That is true kindness.

He showed kindness to us even while we were not deserving. He continues to do this and we still are not deserving. Do not miss the significance of Christ's example here. Are we ever tempted to only demonstrate kindness when we feel our spouse deserves our kindness? In light of Christ's example, who are we to do that?

Real life questions. When you and your spouse get home today, what will the both of you come home to? Will your spiritual, relational and physical home be filled with kindness and warmth? Or will the icy and willful condition of your hearts liken the environment to the chilly conditions outside of our house today?

This is one "Fruit Loop" that can yield amazing results when we apply it. When we choose to show kindness, with time, it becomes reciprocal, and even if it does not, Christ's kindness will continue to be extended to you.

You choose,

For Marriages,

Dave & Robin

Fruit Loops - Part 5 - Patience

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT


The first words that broke the silence of slumber at our house, this morning was, "I don't hear the sump pump running." Robin had cause for concern. During a hard rain and, especially, a hard rain coupled with a large snow-melt, if the sump pump in the corner of our basement stops working, our basement can quickly become a murky swimming pool.

I bolted down the stairs, still groggy from the 7 hour drive home from a weekend conference on the east coast. Sure enough, the massive amount of water that was coursing through our drains had overloaded our pump.

I quickly got dressed, jumped into the van and went to our local home improvement store to buy a new pump. On arriving home I found Robin and our two oldest boys bailing water into buckets, coolers and anything else that they could find that would hold water. Despite their efforts, water was coming in through the base of the walls - claiming the carpeting in 2 of the boy's rooms.

I was rushing to assemble the new pump into our drain system while, in shear frustration, Robin kept me informed of the increasing water damage.

Needless to say we were not being as patient with each other as we could have been. Robin would say, "It's (the water) heading for Alex's room!" Or, something similar to that effect. To which I would repeatedly and sharply answer, "We're all working as fast as we can!"

We share in our conferences that patience is developed through enduring trials and tests. A flooding basement would certainly be considered a trial; however, I don't know that Robin and I scored very well in our mastery of it.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."
Eph 4:2 NIV

We also share that we never fully arrive at mastering how we think, speak and act toward our spouse and that it is an ongoing and intentional process.

Yeah, well, Robin and I need to get back to work on our basement - and on our patience...


For Marriages,

Dave & Robin

Fruit Loops - Part 4 - "Peace"

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

There is no law against these things!"
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

This morning, I walked from our bedroom to our dining room to find Robin intently focused on her morning devotions. I waited until she looked up, her eyes catching mine and then proceeded to express my affection for her through our intimate "Good Morning" filled with kisses.

In several instances during this passed week, Robin has expressed her happiness to me and, I, to her. God has blessed us with a great marriage; however, it wasn't always so.

I used to be the king of selfishness and Robin had a temper. Add to the mix, my own temper and the combination quickly became deadly. My selfish actions would provoke her and she would, instinctively, lash out. To which I would react with more selfishness.

Peace, to us, was often little more than a form of dé·tente. Relaxing in our strained relationship, each of us trying hard to not upset or provoke the other.

True peace was something that we both longed for but had never achieved, until we unconditionally surrendered to Christ and, subsequently, to his Holy Spirit.

The gift of the Holy Spirit and the practice of the same has produced the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our lives and in our marriage. There is a calmness and a serenity in each other's company that was lacking for so many years before.

Robin experienced the presence and power of the Holy Spirit years ago, before I did and a change began to take place in our marriage. Later, when I received the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, our marriage dynamic radically improved even more.

"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.

I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:26-27 NIV

Imagine that. We can live at perfect peace in our marriages - taught by the Holy Spirit as we submit ourselves to the Lordship of Christ. It is a gift from our Lord that is cultivated in marriage by two individuals living a Spirit-formed, Spirit-led and covenant life.

Do we cultivate the fruit of peace in our own life? Do we allow the Holy Spirit to change us - sanding down our rough edges and flaws and growing us into instruments of his peace?

Do you have peace in your marriage? If not, ask God to change you and then allow him to do it. The change he works in your life will effect your spouse as well while you focus on the Lord.


"You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"
Isa 26:3 NLT

Be a Peace-Liver and a Peace-Giver!

Peace-Out!


For Marriages,

Dave & Robin

For Wives

Wives - Please read this and then answer the following question in a comment.

How would you respond to your husband if he truly loved you as Christ loved the church?