Marriage's Death Row - Part 8 - Quarrelling

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
Gal 5:19-21 NLT

It's uncomfortable, it's distracting, it's embarrassing and it's damaging to marriages. You know what I mean. Who among us has never been in the presence of a couple while they are quarrelling with each other? Most of us, undoubtedly, have.

How often have we witnessed this and either wanted to rush out of the room or blow a whistle and get in between the couple?

What is it about wanting to be right, wanting to win, wanting our own way that provokes us to lay aside our love, care and concern for our spouse, in order to prevail in an argument?

Every couple will disagree about something at some point; however, that disagreement does not have to escalate into an argument or a quarrel. That is true, unless we choose to knowingly and willfully take the low road and fuel the escalation by what we think, say and do.

So, how do we keep arguments, quarrels, strife and discord from invading and damaging our marriage? I like The Message Paraphrase's answer in Romans 12.

Be good friends who love deeply;

practice playing second fiddle.

Rom 12:10 - The Message

When we prefer to show love to our spouse over winning an argument, over being right, over getting our own way and over our selfish pride - the root of all of these things, we put this desire of the sinful nature on marriage's death row.

How are you purposely going to lock up this sinful desire in your marriage?

For Marriages & Families,

Dave

Dancing With the Devil

As Christians, we used to spend a great deal of time talking to our kids about the importance of obeying Paul's command in scripture that says that we are not to be unevenly yoked. Simply put, we are not to form close relationships with those outside of the faith. Such is true for romantic, business and, even some friendships.

However, in recent years, many Christians have become lax in following that command. "Evangelistic" dating, the desire to show acceptance to everyone and the flat-out ignoring of scripture's mandate because “we want to” have taken root and are flourishing patterns in this area now.

It is hard to sit and watch solid Christians, get pulled down while thinking they will be the exception - they will be the strong one. Seldom if ever, is this the case. How many of God’s family do we have to see fall, before we say something? Or, will we ever say anything?

Additionally, there is a growing trend that indicates that staying equally yoked has become fraught with complex problems. I know of several spouses of ministry leaders, pastors and solid Christians that have not only walked out of their marriage, but have walked out on their faith as well. These things could not have happened overnight. What led to the shocking change of heart and mind?

What or who came between husband and wife, parent and child and family and God.

In an effort to appear non-judgmental and accepting, I fear that the church has accepted an invitation - an invitation to dance with the devil.

This is all very alarming to me. That doesn't mean that I am panicking - running down my street heralding a catastrophe, but I am alarmed. I am concerned because I have seen where the party ends up. It leads to death – death of a marriage, a family, ones faith and even one’s body.

Parents, please wake up, parent up and set an example. Ask the tough questions of yourself first and then ask those same questions of your children. Is who I’m (your) dating pleasing God? Or are they dragging me (you) down – into compromise and sin?

What are you and your spouse teaching your kids about their choices in who they date? What are you doing to ensure that you and your spouse stay equally yoked in your faith? If you are married and not equally yoked, STAY MARRIED - God’s Holy Spirit will minister to your spouse through you, as long as you stay rooted in Christ. God will reward you for your faithfulness to Him and your spouse.

Don’t fall for a cheap invitation – it will cost you more than you ever wanted to pay.

Marriage's Death Row

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
Gal 5:19-21 NLT

We've all been there at one time or another. Well, most of us have, anyway. There are times in marriage when the environment could be considered hostile.

 One spouse has a bad day and goes off without thinking on the unsuspecting other. Someone fails to complete a task requested of them, and the marital climate becomes noticeably more cold.

 One would hope that, with maturity, we would develop and grow into the ability to communicate effectively without losing control of our emotions. However, there would be few of us, if any, that could honestly say that we have never blown it and became hostile in the past.

 The word hostility ("hatred" in the New International Version of the Bible) means a hostile state, condition, or attitude; enmity; antagonism; unfriendliness. - (Websters)

 The original word, used in this passage comes from a root word meaning to hate passively or actively. Whoa! Wait a minute - some of us could be in serious trouble here.

 Passive hatred could be displayed in our marriage by not showing love in our attitude. Uh-Oh! So, if we employ the silent treatment, stiffen in an embrace or if we have a uncaring demeanor towards our spouse - we are hating them and our matrimonial environment becomes filled with hostility. Yikes!

 Enough of those scenarios, over time, can lead to active hatred and hostility causing verbal, emotional and physical attacks that can and will destroy a marriage.

 What if we, as couples, actively guarded ourselves against the temptation to passively hate one another. We would do well to place hostility and hatred on Marriage's Death Row by renewing our commitment to love each other in thought, word, attitude and action.

 Don't let hostility take root in your marriage. Pray with your spouse, ask the Lord to help you to grow your marriage - a marriage free from hatred, passive or active.

For Marriages & Families,

Dave

OOPS!

Some mistakes can be easily corrected. Others take some time and effort to rectify. Still others have only minimal affect on life in the grand scheme of things.

But, what about a mistake that has wreaked unbelievable havoc and has cost the Church dearly?

I believe, and this is probably only my belief, that the Church as a whole has made a critical error. Just a few short years ago, ministries such as Teen Mania revealed startling statistics about the young generation. Below are a few of these statistics...

THIS IS A GENERATION IN CRISIS
* 1 out of 11 attempt SUICIDE each year.

* 1 out of 10 fifteen year olds and younger have gone through family divorce in their life-time.

* 58% have been involved in objectionable content on the web.

* 40% have experimented with SELF-INJURY ("are "cutters").

* Use of prescription DRUGS (Ritalin, anti-depressants etc.) by children/teens has increased substantially in the past few years.

THIS IS A GENERATION WITHOUT MORALITY
•By the time the average child graduates from high school, he/she will have watched 19,000 hours of TV including about 200,000 sexual acts and 1 million ACTS OF VIOLENCE.

•1 in 10 high school females have reported being RAPED at some point in their life.

•Fear of violence in schools is now the leading "worry" of public school teens.

•48% of high school seniors are SEXUALLY ACTIVE (had sexual intercourse in past 3 months).


THIS IS A GENERATION WITHOUT TRUTH
•91% say there is NO ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

•75% of teens in America believe the central message of the Bible is, "God helps those who help themselves".

•53% believe Jesus committed sin (40% of born again teens believe Jesus committed sin).

(Source - Teen Mania Ministries )

As I look over these statistics, I immediately see a common denominator. Sure, it is easy to see, you see it too. That denominator is the lack of a godly example in the form of parents in a Christ-centered marriage.
 
As if these statistics are not disturbing enough, I see a even more disturbing trend. Although the Church has ramped up their youth ministries and are investing a few hours a week into the lives of teens, many of these same teens are still under the majority influence of only moderately healthy to unhealthy, and even, broken marriages as depicted by their parents.
 
I am extremely thankful for these ministry efforts and the youth pastors and youth leaders who fight courageously and passionately for the lives and souls of the teens that they minister to. However, the influence of the home will not be overcome in the vast majority of these young lives, until the Church intentionally engages in marriage ministry, single parent ministry and even divorce recovery with a slant toward reconciliation.
 

Instead of taking a holistic approach to the epidemic, we put a band aid on a symptom while allowing the disease to continue. Instead of intentionally treating the dysfunction both within the Church and outside of the Church, we allow the majority, the primary influence, to continue spreading the disease while we build ministries that do not address the root cause. Sure, the disease is sin and the Gospel, presented in it's power, and the subsequent acceptance on the part of the hearer, remedies that portion of the epidemic.

But the influence of the parent(s) is critical.
 
"My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." James 3:12 NIV

The words spoken into this young generation and the actions that this young generation sees in their homes will have a profound impact on their lives.

The Church, in her failure to be intentional in ministry to marriages and families, in whatever form exists within and without of her walls, has fueled the continuance of the epidemic. Hence, the pinpoint accuracy of these statistics today. What will it take to remedy this?

Intentionality.

The Church needs pastors who are courageous enough to implement gifted leadership into these areas and set a clear explanation of why these ministries exist. Who raise up an accountability and expectation process that says, we have these ministries for you and we expect you to avail yourself to them. In short, pastors and leaders who say, "Husband and Wives, Fathers and Mothers and Families, as members/partners/attendees of this church, we expect you to strive to have Christ-centered marriages and families. And, If you are no longer married, we expect you to avail yourself to the ministries that will help you prepare to have a Christ-centered marriage in the future."

Besides leading people to salvation, the Church must be about the business of dicipling new and existing believers. As humans, we do not inheritantly know how to be a godly husband, father, wife or mother. The Church desparately needs ministries to address these issues.

As I stated in a previous paragraph, these are only my thoughts. But I firmly believe that, while this error cannot be reversed, the course can be redirected for the benefit of our current and future families. Seamless ministry involving, pastors, counselors, marriage ministry leaders, youth pastors/leaders and children's ministry pastors/leaders, together working in the same direction can bring great results through Christ.

Climbing down off of my soapbox now.

Blessings!

Watch Out For The Trap

"Are you hearing things?" It is a common question in movies, especially those movies depicting a patient and therapist relationship.

Usually, the patient gets defensive and emphatically states that they are not "hearing things".

Have you ever been tempted to ask your spouse the same question? You know, during those times when your spouse reacts in such an unexpected way to something you said. You question, at least in your mind, what on earth they heard?

Truth is, we all hear things. We not only hear what is verbally spoken by our spouse and others, but, all-the-while it is being spoken, we are extrapolating the meaning and the purpose behind the words.

Often, that meaning and purpose derived from our perception and estimation becomes a distortion of the intent of our spouse.

Case in point. I woke up this morning and walked out into our kitchen to find my wife, Robin, hurrying about as she was preparing to leave for work. The first words out of her mouth were, "You need to..."

OK. I instantly had a couple of choices. I could view her words as being disrespectful and unloving and stomp off while muttering things like,

"I can't believe she didn't say good morning." Or. "Who is she to give me orders?"

Or, as I did this morning, I realized that I had slept in, I did not help her with the kids, the laundry, the bills or anything else. Oh, wait, I did make the bed, but anyway...

Here is the point. Our marriage has a real enemy. His name is Satan. He loves to drive a wedge between a husband and wife by wanting us to take offense at the words and actions of our spouse.

Robin's intent was not to say, "You're a lousy husband and your not worth greeting in the morning." No. Her intent was," I'm in a hurry, this thing that I'm asking you to do is really important to me and I NEED YOU to take care of it. She was asking me to step up and be her hero today.

Same words, entirely different meaning.

I had been hearing a buzz about a book and it's author recently. To be honest, as much as I like to write, I am not much of a reader - a fault that I'm working on. However, I heard the author speak twice last week at a conference that we were speaking at, and I was both convicted and challenged. I had Robin purchase the book for me to read as soon as we returned home.

The book is called The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. In the book, Bevere, exposes the trap that the enemy sets for all of us, regarding our relationships. That trap is, of course, offense. In marriage, if the enemy can get us to be offended, he can separate us, emotionally, relationally and spiritually from our spouse and, ultimately, from God.

Recognizing the temptation to take offense with our spouse, is key to spiritually protecting your spouse and your marriage.

My prayer today, was,

"God, I know that Robin was communicating from her heart this morning. I know that she loves me and needs me to help her with what she asked. Help me not to allow offense to come between her and I and between us and You."

Have you allowed satan's trap of offense into your marriage? Or, are you spiritually protecting your marriage?

Do not merely listen to the words that your spouse speaks to you, but listen to what they are truly speaking - from the heart.

Do Not Press This Button

This weekend, the subject of buttons came ups several times; so, I had to post something about marriage as it relates to buttons.

Yesterday, Robin and I had the privilege of having lunch with another couple. Our time was spent with some good food and great conversation. The conversation was quite humorous as we shared our experiences in marriage, family and ministry.

Near the end of our time together, in response to something that was said, I made one of my usual statements about how no person can make us angry. We simply choose to become angry in certain situations.

The conversation continued with the wives mentioning about how we, as husbands and wives, can walk on or push each other's buttons - buttons which can fuel a negative and sometimes explosive reaction.

We all have buttons - those vulnerable areas, which we try to protect so much that we hide them away and seldom address the need to work through them.

While we are all fairly predictable, our buttons can change regularly - even daily. We know how frustrated a wife can become when something she says or does causes little or no reaction in her husband one day and causes a massive explosion the next.

Or. The confusion a husband feels when he can say the exact same words, in the exact same tone and in a very similar situation and have two very different outcomes in regard to how his wife will react.

The typical end result of these scenarios? NOTHING. We stop doing anything for FEAR of our spouses reaction. The marriage then becomes isolated and driven by fear and avoidance.

Here is how it, practically, plays out:

•We don't talk about those issues -Communication Isolation.
•We don't put ourselves in situations, as a couple or with other couples, where those issues may come up - Relational Isolation.
•We bury the issue and never address it within ourselves - Heart Isolation.
•We cannot fully abandon ourselves to enjoy the physical intimacy of our love - Physical Isolation.
•Our ability to be intimate with each other and with God is hindered - Spiritual Isolation.

When we fail to control our reactions or fail to respond in a well thought-out manner we strip away the stabilizing factors of safety and security in our marriage.

As a Christian husband or wife, we need to provide a place of safety and security for our spouse in which we can share together. A place where we can speak the truth in love, and share the most intimate of our thoughts and what we are feeling.

Safety and security speaks of protection. Do we truly love our spouse?

"It (Love) always protects" 1 Corinthians 13:7a.

Loving our spouse is not shown by avoiding our spouses buttons. It is shown by working together through those issues that each of us have. When we do that, we protect each other and we disconnect the power that those buttons release.


For Marriages and Families,

Dave & Robin

UNBELIZEABLE!

What can we say?

We arrived in Belize last Saturday and were awed by the beauty of the lush foliage, the fragrance of the variety of flowers and the view of the Mayan Mountains in the distance.



After our journey to the Village of San Antonio (population 4000), we were greeted by village leaders who insisted on helping us with our luggage. We were immediately family, bonded with Christ's love.



We were able to minister in the church service on Sunday morning - Robin and I singing on the praise team. After the service we prayed for the church members under a powerful anointing of God's Holy Spirit.

Sunday afternoon the entire team went to the home of an 18 year old girl who had recently been diagnosed with Leukemia. While we went to pray for her, she ministered to us with her unwavering faith and encouragement.

On Monday we begin the construction and refurbishing projects at the School.




The conditions at this facility, compared to the schools in the States, are very lacking. It broke our hearts to see the equipment and classrooms that are utilized at this school serving nearly 300 students.

After a days work in the heat and humidity, we prepared for the first night of the marriage conference. We learned that there is a planned start time and a Belizean start time - typically 45 minutes to an hour after the scheduled start time.

The conference, the first of it's kind in the area, was well attended and served as an introduction to this kind of teaching to the area pastors and village leaders. It was our first time preaching and teaching with the help of an interpreter.

After the first night, we were hearing reports of the pastors and leaders excitement. There were pastors saying,

"We have never heard this taught. This teaching is good and strong."
"This is so needed in our Country."

Each night of the conference concluded with me talking with many men and Robin ministering, hugging and crying with many women.

The culture in Belize is not favorable for women. Often women feel as if they are in bondage. The freedom that Christ can bring to marriages is so needed in this Country.

We did not fully realize what God had purposed to do through us this week. Not until Thursday. I was invited to meet with all the area pastors for a morning meeting resembling more of a meeting of the tribal chiefs. Some of our colleagues in marriage ministry had donated marriage ministry material and I distributed a pack of books to each pastor. After describing the content and explaining how to use each book in ministry, the pastors began asking questions.

They were most curious about the fact that Robin and I minister together - both preaching and teaching. In Belize, women typically do not minister in the churches, save but for singing. The pastors were interested in how they can begin incorporating women into ministry opportunities.

We could see the rust on the wheels of equality and freedom begin to fall off, as the pastors pondered my words, words given by the Holy Spirit in a crucial point in time.

Later that evening, while walking back to the school from a benefit concert for Samantha, the girl diagnosed with Leukemia, we were stopped repeatedly by couples wanting to thank us for coming. Many said,

"We prayed as a couple for the first time this week." "We have taught other couples the prayer model already." " We need more teaching and other couples in other villages need to hear this."

Robin and I walked the remaining distance in tears. God has started something amazing in the hearts of the Belizean pastor's, couples and families.

We've been invited back. We are praying. With the need so great and a welcoming door so wide open...

What can we say?



THANK YOU to all who prayed and sacrificed their finances to make this trip possible. Lives, marriages and families have been changed through your effort. We are eternally grateful.


For Marriages and Families,

Dave & Robin